We Are Our Choices

People are sometimes surprised when I say that M didn't put up a fight when I made the decision to split. He had only tried one letter or email, just to be sure. We had a conversation and I told him I was sure. Beyond that, he was supportive of my decision. He maintains that it's not what he wants but that he understands, intellectually, that this was the right decision.

And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around

And our love is pastured such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues strong
But it's always darkest before the dawn

I was talking with a friend whose relationship is not going well. I gave her the advice that if she chooses to separate, she just announce that this is how it is for her and it's simply a choice. Be clear about the choice. It's not because of any of his faults. While M had some qualities that contributed to me not wanting to be with him, what I was really in touch with, was a feeling of unhappiness that was not able to be change.

If I had pointed that finger at any of his qualities, that would give him something to fight for and something to try and change. I knew, that even if he "changed", I would still feel the same. If we make it about someone's faults, we are creating the opportunity for that person to save the relationship. Although for some people, this may be the outcome they want. I knew, wholeheartedly, that that outcome I wanted was to uncouple. I was able to accomplish this really difficult decision because I was clear on what I wanted and committed to making the choice.

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark and right at my throat
Cause looking for heaven, for the devil in me
Looking for heaven, for the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me

Shake it out, shake it out...

You Have No Power Over Me.

I am fighting off the death-grip of infatuation.

It's shitty because I can't trust myself at this point. Despite how cool and exciting a prospect might be, I don't know if I'm just trying to evade my aloneness. The only way to really know is to sit in this shit and prove to myself that I am doing just fine. Only time will tell, my friends.

Things that help keep this manageable... we are limited in our texting/phonecalls. We are not FB friends. I remain mindful about the powers of infatuation chemicals. I stay busy with life etc. Fuck you chemicals!

I put my soul in what I do
Last night I drew a funny man
With dark eyes and a hanging tongue
It goes way bad
I never liked a sad look
From someone who wants to be loved by you 

Heartbreak does not discriminate.

D-Day has come and gone.

It was so strange. We walked up to the courthouse and passed a group of protesters. He made a snide political remark to which I replied, "I don't think that's funny and I don't care what you have to say." This reminder of our polarity was just what I needed to get my game face on.

Third floor of the courthouse, waiting for his honorable holy ass, Mr. Judge. There were maybe 15 other couples in the waiting area. Some were sitting next to each other, trying to seem normal. Some were convincing. One couple had British accents. Who knows what their normal sounds like.

Couples were old and young. Working class and wealthy. Heartbreak most certainly does not discriminate. It does not care about your money, your education or your issues. It also does not care how hard you love(d).

"I don't think we'll have to wait long, it looks like they're going in alphabetical order."

"I should've brought a book."

M commented that he had testified as an expert witness for this judge before. "I hope he doesn't recognize me."

Mr. Judge held the manila folder in his wedding-banded hand. Don't you judge me, you bastard. 

"Is your marriage irretrievably broken..." I hesitated because I wanted to be sure I understood the question before I gave my YES. About 5 questions and some photocopies later and we were done.

We exited the conference room (not an elaborate "court room", as I envisioned) and each headed for the bathrooms. I squeezed him on the elbow and he started crying. We exited the bathrooms at the same time and M said, "I'm sorry... it's just, the way your voice broke when you answered...." I was just unsure of what he was asking, I thought. Reminded again of how easily he misreads me.


I have to fucking go back to officially change my name. 5-7 days. Thanks a lot, Tradition. We grabbed a coffee and a game of chess downtown afterwards. He got a parking ticket. We made some inside jokes and he complained, "I don't want to have to teach someone else all of this."
 
It was truly the antithesis of my wedding. Dread rather than excitement. Clarity rather than unknowingness. I went home to The Dog and watched four episodes of The Misfits.

I saw you suffering, so I knelt
Down by your side, I saw that you
Were fading, that you were leaving
Your own mind
I gave you water just to soothe your
Failing heart and take away the fear
Of what we both know we will find

Hey. Been trying to meet you.

D-DAY: T-minus 34 hours.

When I first met him, I was still married. We had a casual conversation in a small group. I thought, "He's cute. If only..."

I was unhappily married at the time. I never let on. He saw the ring and was respectful. There was no further contact.

Fast forward 6 months (-ish - probably more.) 

Dancing at 80s night. He asks me to dinner. I oblige, being 4 weeks out of the house. On the follow-up phone call, he asks, "Were you not married the first time I met you?" I reply, "I was. Technically still am... " "When I first met you, I was bummed to see you were married." "Me too." I share, possibly too candidly. 

Teenage dreams and makeout sessions.

I forced myself to have a conversation that I advocate for but have never experienced. The "where I'm at and what works for me" kind of conversation. I stopped the man, mid-makeout, to say, "I want to have a conversation." He was totally down.

I just tried to transcribe the evening on this blog... but it's easier to explain the outcome. He's ready for a relationship but willing to wait. I'm simply not ready for a relationship. Can I justify that since he's willing to wait it's okay to progress? I don't think I can. Despite the fact that I don't need to make a decision right now, I know that at some point, in the relatively near future, I will need to make a decision. Is this fair? Is this right?

I also had to have an eye-to-eye conversation that I am not ready for intimacy. Makeout sessions are awesome and fun. I'm not willing to throw orgasm-induced-chemical-confusion into the mix. No sex! You hear me?! NO SEX IN THE CHAMPAGNE ROOM!

I have to say, he handled it so well. Super cool and mature about it all. He was like, "I'm all about being teenagers." Points.

He agreed to say F-U to protocol and to just do what works for us. But how reasonable can you be when you are feeling infatuated? It just doesn't seem fair.

And the fact remains - I am being distracted from a healing/grieving process that is so necessary. Ugh. Time for another unfamiliar and downright uncomfortable conversation.

I'm not a sociopathic robot, I'm autonomous, motherfucker!

I was reading Yalom's Love's Executioner and the existential concept of "ultimate aloneness" resonated with me. I think I am handling this so well because I have accepted this concept of ultimate aloneness.

Researching this topic more, brought me to another book: The psychology of romantic love: romantic love in an anti-romantic age by Nathaniel Branden

M played me a song he wrote about me. There was a line that went something like...  "You say you don't define yourself by your relationships... well I think you're a sociopathic robot."

I'm not saying autonomy is necessarily better but this certainly describes my style and how I aspire to be in general. I'm not a sociopathic robot, I'm autonomous, motherfucker!

Excerpts from the book..

Autonomous individual understand that other people do not exist merely to satisfy their needs. They have accepted the fact that no matter how much love and caring may exist between persons, we are each of us, in an ultimate sense, responsible for ourselves.


Autonomous individuals have grown beyond the need to prove to anyone that they are a good boy or a good girl, just as they have outgrown the need for their spouse or romantic partner to be their mother or father.

They are ready for romantic love because they have grown up, because they do not experience themselves as waifs waiting to be rescued or saved; they do not require anyone else’s permission to be who they are, and their egos are not continually ‘on the line.’

An autonomous individual is one who does not experience his or her self-esteem as continually in question or in jeopardy. His or her worth is not a matter of continuing doubt. The source of approval resides within the self. It is not at the mercy of every encounter with another person.


Autonomous individuals have a great capacity to ‘roll with the punches,’ to see the normal frictions of everyday life in realistic perspective, not to get their feelings hurt over trivia, or, even if they are hurt occasionally, not to catastrophize such moments.

Further, autonomous individuals respect their partner’s need to follow his or her own destiny, to be alone sometimes, to be preoccupied sometimes, not to be thinking about the relationship sometimes, but rather about other vital matters that may not even involve the partner in any direct sense, such as work, personal developmental needs. So autonomous individuals do not always need to be focus of attention, do not panic when the partner is mentally preoccupied elsewhere. Autonomous individuals give this freedom to themselves as well as to those they love. This is the reason why between autonomous men and women, romantic love can grow.

No matter how passionate the commitment and devotion autonomous men and women may feel toward the one they love, there is still the recognition that space must exist, freedom must exist, sometimes aloneness must exist. There is the recognition that no matter how intensely we love, we are none of us ‘only’ lovers - we are also, in a broader sense, evolving human beings.


Autonomous individuals have assimilated and integrated the ultimate fact of human aloneness. Not resisting it, not denying it, they do not experience it as a burning pain or a tragedy in their lives. Therefore they are not constantly engaged in the effort to achieve, through their relationships, the illusion that such aloneness does not exist. They understand that it is the fact of aloneness that gives romantic love its unique intensity. Their harmony with aloneness is what makes them uniquely competent to participate in romantic love.

When two self-responsible human beings find each other, when they fall in love, they are able, to a degree far above the average, to appreciate each other, to enjoy each other, to see each other for what he or she is, precisely because the other is not viewed as the means of avoiding the fact that each must be responsible for him- or herself. Then they can fall into each other’s arms, then they can love each other, then sometimes one can play the child and the other the parent - and it doesn’t matter, because it is only a game, it is only a moment’s rest; each knows the ultimate truth and is not afraid of it, has made peace with it, has understood the essence of our humanity.

No one can think for us, no one can feel for us, no one can live our life for us, and no one can give meaning to our existence except ourselves. Aloneness entails self-responsibility.

When we have not matured to the point of being able to accept the fact of our ultimate aloneness, when we are frightened of it, when we try to deny it, we tend to overburden our relationships with an unhealthy dependence that stifles and suffocates them. We do not embrace, we cling. Without air and open space, love cannot breathe. This is the paradox: Only when we stop fighting the fact of our aloneness are we ready for romantic love.

Relationship Quotes...

Because life is easier when viewed through therapeutic/existential/Hallmark goggles [or googles].


Ron Chapman, Western meditation teacher: 

"You might lose if you do not lie but you will certainly lose if you do."

"Love is a relationship with yourself. All relationships are with yourself." 

Nathaniel Branden Psychologist

"This is the paradox: only when we stop fighting the fact of our aloneness are we ready for romantic love."

"Intimacy pertains to the sharing of self on the deepest level, an exchange of vulnerability."

"A friend, said Aristotle, is another self. This is precisely what lovers experience to the most intense degree. In loving you I encounter myself."

The Walls Are Thin

Things my neighbor might think...

"AAAAAND she's crying again... "

"AAAAAND she's talking to her dog again... "

"AAAAAND she's listening to Cat Power again... "

Erase and Rewind

Yes, I said it's fine before
But I don't think so no more
I said it's fine before
I've changed my mind
I take it back
Erase and rewind
'cause I've been changing my mind

Dammit. I found an online family tree that one of M's distant relatives compiled a few years ago. It noted that he was still married to his baby mama, so I emailed the family tree fairy and asked him to update it with my info.


Now that tree branch is burned into internet memory forever. Why did I bother? Ugh.

Devils and Dust

I've had some light romantic distractions. Just 2 dates with the new guy and some conversations with old flames. What I realized is, that no matter how I have tried to cautiously control and manage the situations... I am being distracted from the grieving and the pain. I can't allow that to happen. I need to fully process this so I can complete it and move on. So, with this realized awareness, I'll adjust accordingly.

I got my finger on the trigger
But I don't know who to trust
When I look into your eyes
There's just devils and dust

M and I continue to maintain a light friendship, seeing each other maybe once a week, handling things and exchanging favors. A friend was concerned about our arrangement and suggested that we needed more separation. I thought about it carefully. We're trying to do things differently than it's usually done, so I get that this scenario is unfamiliar. But is it counterproductive? For me, I don't think it is. But perhaps it is for M. This decision is not entirely mutual. Although he's pretty broken up by this, he expresses that maintaining this friendship helps him cope with the loss. But is it too soon? Is it hindering his healing?

I don't cry as often. When I do, I cry with more force. Purging. Ugh.

I got God on my side
And I'm just trying to survive
What if what you do to survive
Kills the things you love
Fear's a powerful thing, baby
It can turn your heart black you can trust
It'll take your God filled soul
And fill it with devils and dust

Divorce is ...

leaving even when it's hard.
leaving even when you know it's going to be lonely.
leaving even when it doesn't "look good."
leaving even when you're not sure it's "right."
hard.
lonely.
looking bad.
being wrong.
scary.
possibility.

Dream Monsters

I had a dream that M was absolutely awful to me. He crashed a little party I was at with some friends, and came in and just started telling me off. He was completely losing his cool and while I spat verbal insults back, I maintained my composure. My friends and other attendees of the party were witness to how uncool he was being and in the moment - I felt justified in my divorce.

I remember feeling some relief. I often reflect on how an angry and hateful breakup feels easier. It's probably not nearly as healthy as a communicative, loving breakup, but it does feel easier. It allows you to turn that person into a monster and to block all those hurt feelings with anger. Of course the hurt that is not being acknowledged will just hide out only to resurface in moments of weakness.

PSA: All the Single Ladies

How to Enjoy Being Single -- powered by ehow

Damn that was helpful. I was feeling pretty fucking lost before I saw that video. For any of my friends that are reading... Patty has some tips for how you can comfort me.

D-Day

We submitted our divorce paperwork. They give you the date for the court hearing while you're there. D-Day is scheduled for October 12th.

At the court house, the clerk had to notarize some forms for us. M forgot to date a page and she said, "You're a bad dater." He replied, "I'm a worse husband." and gave a forced laugh. She wasn't amused. M said, "That's not funny, huh." She shook her head. "Sometimes marriage just doesn't work out, that doesn't mean anyone's bad." M got uncomfortable. "I'm just kidding, we're friends."

Awkward and annoying.

He keeps trying to solicit some "no-meaning" intimate relations from me and I couldn't be more disinterested. The thought actually makes my skin crawl. Once I am emotionally done with someone... I can't imagine being romantic or intimate. I experience a total shift in my perception that has me losing all attraction to the person.

I'm going to babysit L for a few hours tonight, which is great because I can do laundry while I'm there! M offered to pay me what he would pay a babysitter. Ten fucking dollars an hour lol. Of course I'm not going to take it but I thought it was so ridiculous that he offered.

Expectations fuck everything up.

When nothing seems constant or reliable, friends bring me joy. They provide safety and assurance. Friends are the constant.

Yep, Terrified.

And in the spring I shed my skin
And it blows away with the changing wind

Danced at 80s night last night. Ran into a cute gentleman that I've seen out there a couple of times. He's older. Late 30s. Has a 3-yr-old son. The first time I met him, I was married. (To that comment last night, my friend said, "You still kinda are.") Ok yes, still technically married.

We said hello and danced near each other. I was being very careful not to make eye contact because I knew if there was any interest for an invitation, the eyes would send that invitation. Then I became self conscious that I was being too standoffish and realized that I didn't want to lose his interest for future possibilities... so I made eye contact twice. We would smile and spin around, maximizing the dancefloor space.

I sat at the bar to order a drink and he asked, "Can I buy you a drink for conversation?" I liked that he said that, like no weird expectations (which is why I don't usually let guys buy me drinks.) We chatted about his son, my job and Teen Wolf, which was playing on the projector screen behind the bar. "Relationship counseling?", he said. He remembered from our first conversation months ago.

The girls and I were leaving and I said goodbye to him. He said something like, "I'm Irish and unconventional, so I'd like to know if you'd have dinner with me on Friday."

I must've ordered the Terror beer because that was all I could taste. I looked down to collect myself. I could not even remember what day it was or what I was supposed to be doing on the next Friday. I asked him when that was and he said it was in a week. I said yes.

He said he would "find me". No phone number exchanged. I left it to the powers of Facebook.

I'm processing a couple of things right now.

1. Fear. Am I really going on a fucking date with a total stranger? WTF.
2. Sadness. You get used to sitting across the table from the same person after 5 years. It's just sad.
3. Guilt. Would a guy be irritated that a girl would accept a date when she's only been broken up from her husband for about 7 weeks? Is that long enough? Is there such a thing? Does it really matter because it's just a date, i.e. conversation?
4. Excitement. It feels good to know I can get back on the saddle again. Sometimes it seemed like it just wouldn't happen. Everyone here is so young and beautiful. I feel old and tired.

I think this is probably the best scenario possible. He's older with a son, he'll understand baggage. I don't feel like I am ready to date steadily but I want to have a conversation with this guy. We'll have an adult and fun exchange. I'll be upfront about my situation and my concerns that it may have been weird or too soon, along with my intentions for the date. I want to get to know him outside of a noisy club.

This is a gift, it comes with a price

He FBed me and said hello. Holy fuck.

The looking glass, so shiny and new
How quickly the glamour fades
I start spinning, slipping out of time
Was that the wrong pill to take?

I'm going back through my blog and adding mp3 widgets for the songs I've been quoting.

They Treat You Special

When you say you're getting a divorce people get uncomfortable and treat you special.

I ordered new bank checks and the online system allowed me to type in the name as I wanted it printed. So I put my first and maiden name (the whole purpose for ordering new checks.) After I checked out, I called my bank to make sure that the name would be correct. The rep on the phone was very funny and cool. The info was actually not entered correctly, nor were the address changes I made, so he assisted me and said I was good to go. I playfully threatened that I would go to Bank of America if he didn't help me and he said, "Oh no - you dropped the B word!"

I received the checks and the changes were not made. I called the bank and the rep was telling me that they interpret my maiden name as a middle name and that it's against policy to print a first and middle name only. I replied that it would've been nice had the online program alerted me of that, as well as the first rep who helped me. I told her that I needed the name changed because I was going through a divorce. Her tone immediately changed, she put me on hold and then came back and told me that as soon as I got my checks I could call in and get a refund. No more questions asked.

I can get checks printed the way I want when I submit the official name change document to my bank. Okay, so they treat you kinda special.

Grosser Ease

I went out of town 2 weeks ago and M watched The Dog for me. It was a kind favor but I know he also appreciated the company since he didn't have his son that weekend. When I dropped The Dog off, I noticed that he had almost no groceries. A container of wilted blueberries, a can of beans, maybe some questionable milk. So when I came back to town I pick up several bags of food since L was going back to school the next Monday.

M met me at the house and I unpacked the groceries with him. I showed him where things went and I gave him ideas for packing lunch. We discussed meals that would be easy to prepare (and I had sent him an email on all of this earlier as well.)

He seemed so fucking helpless and I felt conflicted. I was irate that he wasn't taking care of these things. That he never did. That he once asked me where the measuring cups were. It's like, "THERE ARE ONLY 4 FUCKING DRAWERS IN THIS KITCHEN AND THIS IS YOUR KITCHEN! YOU SHOULD KNOW WHERE THE SHIT IN YOUR KITCHEN IS!"

My blood boils at the mere thought.

But his helplessness also made me feel sad. Like I wanted to take care of him. A friend who is experiencing marriage issues lamented that she feels like she is her husband's mother. There is a fine line between nurturing because you want to be and mothering because nothing gets done unless you do.

Snake Bite

I haven't cried in a few days. I've been a walking snake bite, squeezing out some of that poison with each cry. I think I've only got a bit of that venom left. Soon I'll just be left with the sting then the scars.

He gave me a poem entitled, "Last Poem". It was a sad sharing about his mental state that repeated the gem: "but in the end you really just left us". That's a sad thought but I don't feel bad or guilty. I value myself too much to sacrifice my chance for a fulfilling life. I feel confident about my handling of this situation.

He told me that he didn't want me to be offended by the negative tone and I told him that this was his expression and I support it. I didn't tell him that I thought it was full of ego and that this probably elicited the exact opposite response in me that he intended (although he would deny that he had intentions or expectations).

Now, I am able to just get him. I can get him from afar without feeling like I have to tell him about it.

This is just a process and it does get better. There are several variables to factor in: Time. Space. And The Dog.

More Real With Every Day

We had to remove each other from our respective banks today. It must've been awkward for the bankers that helped us.

Banker: "How can I help you?"
Me: "I need to see about changing the authorized users on my bank account."
M: "We're getting a divorce and we have to take me off her account."

While we sat in the chairs as Banker clicked away at his computer, we discussed weekend plans and swapped random stories of recent happenings. I'm going to L's golf tournament this weekend. It's important that he knows I still love him and I plan to be a support in his life.

Don't be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
'Cause I've seen the dark side too

M had a breakdown in the car. The girl that was initially distracting him moved away, so he's got more time to himself to soak up the loneliness. He's not taking it well. I told him it's been only 3 weeks since I moved out - he's not supposed to be over anything yet. On top of all this, his ex-wife is creating some issues for him. He said he feels like he has no power in his life. Things are just happening to him that he has no control over. Positive coping would help him but above all, it'll just take time.

So, if you're mad, get mad
Don't hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now

Banker1 notarized our divorce papers for us. She gives the worst motherfucking customer service in history - always has.  I drove away from the bank and the crying just poured out of me. It's like I can feel the little pain demon tearing his way out of my heart. I gasped for air for about 30 seconds and then it just stopped. I don't want to be with him but my brain is still programmed to want to take care of him.

I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you

Queen Frostine

I first noticed it running down my arms and covering my chest. Then I noticed it moving up my neck and face. The cold was coming from my heart.

...

So I'm making some tea.

My Face Leaks

Despite knowing how right this is, sometimes I just break down and cry.

Don't those sound like lyrics to a bad song? No, bad songs would not use the word "despite".

I want to get over this shit already so I can bring all the boys to my yard.

Five weeks ago.

Five weeks ago, I laid down to take a nap. I felt an overwhelming presence of unhappiness. I laid in bed and repeated to myself, "I want to be free", until I fell asleep.

I woke up a few hours later and M was home from playing golf. He was having a conversation with me and I was doing dishes. He said quietly, "Are you getting tired of me?"

I looked up at him and I knew - it was time. I hadn't planned for it. I hadn't formulated any strategy.

We sat down at the kitchen table and laid out our concerns and unmet expectations.

A few hours later, we had planned our separation.

Two weeks later, I was living in an apartment.

Today, I am free. The universe fulfilled on my sleepy request.


--

I used to be sad when I reflected on my break up with my college boyfriend. He moved to Canada to pursue being an artist, while I still had a year left in school. I didn't think we were going to make it through the long distance and we didn't. At the time, I felt abandoned and devalued. He told me years later that next time... he would fight for love.

I wanted that so badly. I was just thrilled that my pain paved the way for the next lucky lady.

How do you know when it's worth fighting for? When there's any fight left.

I will survive... or something.

Health update: I don't think my apartment is trying to kill me. I am still experiencing some strange symptoms although they have faded as of today, so hopefully I'll recover soon. Good news is, now that I am single and poor again, I qualify for free county healthcare!

He told me last week that he introduced her to his son. It was in a casual, social setting. It was like a punch to the gut. On a personal level, it feels so familiar. I was that girl at one point. But on a reasonable adult level, it just seemed stupid. Although she was introduced as a "friend", I don't want L to worry his little head one bit about the idea that there would be a new woman entering his life right now. That must be scary for a kid. Kids are keener than we give them credit for. I gave him my opinion on why that was a bad idea for L. He told me one of the benefits of being divorced is not being told what to do. However, he "entertained" my thoughts on the matter because I was an important part of L's growing up. I was reminded that he often thinks about how he is affected in a situation, not how others are affected. 

I know I am the one who wanted to leave... but it still hurts.

She was a stranger in her own house
The wind beneath her feet
Isn't it strange when you figure out
The monsters in your sleep?

We had dinner together tonight. I was going to swing by to say hi to L and we decided to grab food. It was nice. M holds his gaze on me a little too long.

People don't do this after breaking up. Maintain friendships. I now see what they are trying to avoid. Punches to the gut and uncomfortably long gazes.


All of these little discoveries and sharing of information feel like I'm being TKOed in the ring. But I just keep getting back up. Eye of the Tiger? Rocky theme song? I Will Survive? Something like that.

And together we'll find, we're better apart
I don't know the way and I don't know the start
But I won't regret you, I won't regret you

My apartment is trying to kill me.

I have been experiencing weird vertigo, nausea and headaches the last couple of days. Because I'm a google certified medical doctor, I thought I was having an inner ear infection of some kind. Someone pointed out that it might be mold. *gasp*

My crazy wooden cabin might have mold. So I started getting really paranoid and drove to walmart to get a mold test kit. No luck. I came home and started vacuuming the walls and then I turned my attention to the AC units. I had been meaning to clean those filters...

The filters were pretty raunchy and coated with probably years of dust. After thoroughly vacuuming the 2 downstairs filters I headed upstairs to clean my bedroom unit. Holy fucking attack of the dust bunnies. There was a layer fit to make a winter sweater. As I vacuumed the dust, I noticed that there was some dampness... some darkness... some mother fucking black mold!! This unit has been blowing towards my bed for the last 4 days. Not to mention that I had a box fan in front of it. Little did I know I was creating a superpathway for black mold spores to travel into my lungs. I wonder how the dog has felt.

I do not miss cleaning a large country club home. I do miss things being new and non-mysterious.
I do not miss feeling like a stranger in my life. I just want my apartment to stop trying to kill me.

Thank God for The Dog

Wow, I don't know how anybody could go through this without an animal companion.

My little apartment/chalet/cabin came with an outdoor patio set with an iron table and 2 chairs. I sit outside and take in the night. I look at the empty chair and experience loneliness. This week was tough because I had no internet. So after my duties for the day were complete and I milked all the phone conversations I could... it was just me. And The Dog! Thank god for The Dog.


I updated [almost] all of my online mailing addresses. Moving sucks.

I promise to only be whiny and lonely for like another 2 weeks, give or take a lifetime. Then the real exciting blogging will begin.

Then I'll be taking applications for Porch Service Representatives.

Grossery

Today was my first shopping experience as a single person (in the last 5 years.) It totally threw me off to only shop for items that I wanted. It was weird to be so conservative and to not buy kiddie food. I haven't been motivated to really cook anything yet. It will be challenging to balance my enjoyment of lavish cooking with the fact that I am the only one eating.

The Dog seems happy. He occasionally paces around our small space and I comfort him, "I know it's small but you'll adjust." We go on walks a few times a day. The neighborhood is great for walks despite the fact that I have to pick up his poo. The sacrifices.

If only we were raised to think that marriages aren't forever, this would be so much easier. A lot of people would be doing much better. And those that never divorced would just be pleasantly surprised.

Who am I kidding. I was definitely not raised to think marriages are forever. So few people are.

Why does our culture talk about the tradition of marriage being one way, when the way we actually behave is so completely different? We are a nation of big fat liars.

Back in school they never taught us what we needed to know. 

Like how to deal with despair or someone breakin your heart.

Scared.

I work part-time as a vocational evaluator for people with mental health issues who are trying to reenter the workforce. I have a client who is suffering from extreme PTSD and depression. She is trying to return to work after a year off and we came up with a great plan for her. We are starting her off part-time in a low stress environment, with lots of support and accommodations worked in. She appeared completely non-responsive when discussing her plan. Blank stare. I initially attributed her affect to her being so heavily medicated for her conditions, but the rehab counselor asked her, "If there was a job to apply for tomorrow - how would you feel?"

"Scared.", she replied.

If someone asked me, "If there was a guy who asked you on a date tomorrow, how would you feel?" I would say the same thing. I have been too busy getting my home in order to do much socializing. But the idea of even talking to a guy terrifies me right now. I don't feel single yet. I feel like I am experiencing my own small dose of PTSD.

This is probably a good thing. It is unusual for me to leave a relationship without some kind of romantic distraction on the back burner. Much like he is doing... that's usually me.

Everything will be so different the next time around.

There Are No Shortcuts Through Pain

I move into my new apartment tomorrow. I went and checked it out tonight. Walked around and tried to visualize my things and my life in this new space. It's scary but it feels good.

We had a good conversation about what's been going on with him and the new girl. He was very honest about his behaviors and thoughts. He didn't expect me to be affected or hurt whatsoever... I guess because I am the one who wanted this divorce. Although I haven't felt jealous, it has definitely hurt. I'm open to the idea that there are unwritten rules about how to handle these things and that those rules may be a bunch of bullshit. It's okay to move on quickly; however, it felt inauthentic. He was presenting it as a casual, friendly, "no big deal" relationship. But I know that something romantic is brewing. Not sure at what level but it is very apparent and he finally copped to it. It would have been hard for me to trust him and to shift into a friendship if he was not going to be fully authentic.

I told him there are 2 things at play here: (1) my feelings and how I am affected and (2) his well-being and how he is or isn't taking care of himself. He occurred to me to be self-medicating in a way that was leaving other emotions unattended... which seemed scary. There are no shortcuts through pain. You can avoid it but it will always come back to getcha.

Regarding my feelings, I just needed to be acknowledged. But I can take care of myself and I don't have the same expectations of him now that we are not together. Regarding his well-being, I am trying to approach it like I would with any friend. I gave my advice and I'll leave it up to him to follow through in the way he thinks is the healthiest.

We are going to continue to be there for each other throughout this process. He was devastated that his recent actions could have jeopardized this friendship we are trying to create. I told him that we have created the possibility for a great friendship but that it is organic and things are subject to change based on our choices. I'm not going to hold this against him. But I need to get the fuck out of Dodge.

I have a date with a U-Haul tomorrow.

Reactions.

I told my OBGYN that I was in the middle of a divorce and she said, "Congratulations."

How Soon is Too Soon?

That's a good question.

When you say it's gonna happen now,
When exactly do you mean? 

I like to consider myself a fairly evolved individual who aims to evolve even further into the spaces unawares. I want to not be bothered by him spending so much time with someone new so quickly. He says it's just friendly and clearly it reflects some self-medicating. Does the fact that I want this split more than he does warrant him to act cruelly sooner? I'm being dramatic, I know he's not being cruel. It would just be nice for me to be out of the house before he began announcing his new distraction. Well maybe that's my fucking fault for taking 2 weeks to move out.

He is human and he needs to be loved
Just like everybody else does

Things will get a lot easier when I am moved out and feeling safe to explore my own distractions. I refuse to be catty throughout this process. One thing I hate about the female population is our proclivity to be catty towards the exes and the replacements. Maybe there is a sliver of evolutionary involvement but I know this is socially ingrained in us. We shouldn't be enemies. Sometimes, we are that girl. Or our best friend is that girl. mrrrrrrowwww I will not be catty. I will not be catty. Meow when I say "I will not be catty", I mean it.

Nausea Green, As Opposed to Envy Green

I have experienced an impressive range of emotions over the last few days but have not had adequate internet connection to post. The annoyances of this married life are helping my mood about my transition.

I'm looking forward to the callus on the back of my ring finger going away. I've had this for 5 years because the ring he bought me was too big and I had to have small spacer balls welded on the back to make it fit. This was always a source of aggravation for me because I swore at the time he lied about the size ring he bought for the purposes of rushing our engagement. At the time, he lied about a lot of things.

I bought an amazing macbook with my engagement ring money. Wished I had done it a long time ago. It didn't take me long to realize I am not a "rock" kind of girl. I don't care about expensive jewelry. I don't care about big houses. I don't care about country club pool parties. No - I don't "don't care" about those things - I actually don't like or want them. I definitely changed over the years. Bloomed? Refined? I found myself and it was not in this home.

He accidentally sent me a text that was intended for another girl. I was shocked to find that I did not experience an ounce of jealousy. I was shocked. Then I was disgusted because I was brought back to when we first met. He was dating someone and I was the new girl. A lot of drama ensued. I was unaware of his mastery of manipulating words and events to make him appear innocent and to emerge the hero. He has grown a lot since those days but I tasted a remnant of that time and I wanted to vomit.

Blood is Thicker than Marriage

I've been sorting through junk drawers and splitting up our stuff. I'm cleaning and trying to make things simpler for him when I leave. I know he's not helpless but sometimes it feels that way. I feel awful at the thought of him feeling lost or confused in his own home. It kills me to think about him suffering in even the tiniest way. So says the woman who asked for the divorce. I organized the wires to the internet/router/fax crap and I wondered why I hadn't done it sooner. I'm cleaning things for the last time and it feels very strange.

And I wandered through the house like a little boy lost in the mall
And an astronaut could've seen the hunger in my eyes from space

My mom, sister and her kids are coming to town to visit for a week. We had this trip planned a long time ago and since they took the time off work, they decided to still come up. We considered getting them a hotel but M insisted they could stay here and that it would be okay. He said he'd stay away most of the day and with him sleeping upstairs, and us on the other side of the house, we'd be fairly separate and private.

He said he was feeling anxious about their arrival. It hit me how hard this must be for him. To have people show up that you have considered family for 5 years and now they are just... people. We know we love each other and we are committed to being excellent friends forever but there is a mental switch that is unavoidable. We are not family anymore.

I fear I have not felt the worst of it yet.

Oh, What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?
What do I do without you?

Wave of Mutilation

I've had waves of sadness today. I think it is because I am less distracted by worrying about how the people around me are going to be affected by this change.

He looks sad. He said he's happy that I look so happy. I tried to remind him that I'm sad too but that I'm in motion because I have so much to get done.

Sometimes I wake up scared in the middle of the night. I do get nightmares but also because my vision is poor, the shadows look like monsters. It sucks because it was always comforting to wake up with him by my side to protect me. I'd like to think that with less stress, the night terrors will stop.

cease to resist, giving my goodbye
drive my car into the ocean
you'll think i'm dead, but i sail away

Compatibility

Things I have noticed:

• I am less motivated to do chores. Which makes me look forward to only having to do chores for two. (Including my dog.)
• I am more active on facebook. Which makes me dread looking desperate.
• I am hyper aware of all of the reasons I should not be married to M:

1. He is a libertarian although basically a conservative because of the viable political options. I am largely liberal. He refers to those on my side as "liberal hippy fucks" and similar petnames.
2. He eats meat with a desire to eat more meat. I eat some poultry and fish with a desire to eat more vegetarian.
3. He cares strongly about competition and WINNING, relating it to manhood, survival etc... I could care less about winning and am more a "moral of the story" kind of gal.

I could go on but I know these incompatibilities didn't really make or break us. I dealt with them for 5 years and only experienced occasional annoyance. It was something else. It was a feeling that did us in not a rational explanation.

My theory is that the more work I did on myself, the more complete I became and the less I "needed" someone. I think I initially chose him because I had a lot of emotional needs. We all have needs and needs are fine. However, I was trying to patch up the holes left from past hurts with his love. It worked for a little while. Maybe that's where the compatibility came in.

Grow Stronger, Grow Leaves

A supportive message from one of my oldest friends:

Belated birthdays ago I made you a book and on one of the pages it said "Grow Stronger, Grow Leaves"  which always kind of bothered me because leaves don't seem all that strong.  In fact, now that I am more learned, I am even more bothered by this poor advice.  Let us not be plant-like - as plants are forced to grow where their seed is planted.  Instead, let's celebrate our mobility and not be afraid to seek a better environment for our growth.  If we are to attempt anything plant-like I have decided that it should be phototropism which is the plants growth toward light...we should always stare straight into the freakin sun and when it is dark out, rest our leaves for the day.

I put the deposit down for my new apartment today. Milestone? Everything feels like a milestone.

"I bought groceries for one person today." Milestone.

"I haven't cried all week." Milestone.

"I don't feel like a stranger in my life." Milestone.

Uncomfortable or just Unfamiliar

I thought I'd get on the ball today and see about selling my engagement ring. I drove around town getting quotes from various jewelers then opted to post it online.

I was so tempted to make light of the situation in the advertisement, like: "She's a beauty, maybe she'll bring you better luck than me!" But I was afraid it would hurt the resale value.

One jeweler looked down at the ring, then peered up at me... "What happened?"  

What happened? You really want to go there jeweler guy?

I said: "It burned a hole in my finger."

"Just kidding, it just didn't work out." And I smiled. I've been very smiley throughout this process.

Insensitive, Yet Amusing

One of our friends from our early days (who has not spoken to either of us in over a year) messaged us both the day after M made his big announcement about our divorce.

Yes - he posted it to his fucking facebook. Reason #732 why I cannot be married to this man.

"I know it's bad timing... but can you tell me where you bought J's ring? We want to get one like it."

Then she messaged me and suggested that I pawn my ring at the shop where her baby daddy works.

Wow.

I actually think it is hilarious and am not offended at all. But she doesn't know that! Any normal person would think that people would take offense to this. Maybe people are more enlightened than I give them credit for.