There Are No Shortcuts Through Pain

I move into my new apartment tomorrow. I went and checked it out tonight. Walked around and tried to visualize my things and my life in this new space. It's scary but it feels good.

We had a good conversation about what's been going on with him and the new girl. He was very honest about his behaviors and thoughts. He didn't expect me to be affected or hurt whatsoever... I guess because I am the one who wanted this divorce. Although I haven't felt jealous, it has definitely hurt. I'm open to the idea that there are unwritten rules about how to handle these things and that those rules may be a bunch of bullshit. It's okay to move on quickly; however, it felt inauthentic. He was presenting it as a casual, friendly, "no big deal" relationship. But I know that something romantic is brewing. Not sure at what level but it is very apparent and he finally copped to it. It would have been hard for me to trust him and to shift into a friendship if he was not going to be fully authentic.

I told him there are 2 things at play here: (1) my feelings and how I am affected and (2) his well-being and how he is or isn't taking care of himself. He occurred to me to be self-medicating in a way that was leaving other emotions unattended... which seemed scary. There are no shortcuts through pain. You can avoid it but it will always come back to getcha.

Regarding my feelings, I just needed to be acknowledged. But I can take care of myself and I don't have the same expectations of him now that we are not together. Regarding his well-being, I am trying to approach it like I would with any friend. I gave my advice and I'll leave it up to him to follow through in the way he thinks is the healthiest.

We are going to continue to be there for each other throughout this process. He was devastated that his recent actions could have jeopardized this friendship we are trying to create. I told him that we have created the possibility for a great friendship but that it is organic and things are subject to change based on our choices. I'm not going to hold this against him. But I need to get the fuck out of Dodge.

I have a date with a U-Haul tomorrow.