Heartbreak does not discriminate.

D-Day has come and gone.

It was so strange. We walked up to the courthouse and passed a group of protesters. He made a snide political remark to which I replied, "I don't think that's funny and I don't care what you have to say." This reminder of our polarity was just what I needed to get my game face on.

Third floor of the courthouse, waiting for his honorable holy ass, Mr. Judge. There were maybe 15 other couples in the waiting area. Some were sitting next to each other, trying to seem normal. Some were convincing. One couple had British accents. Who knows what their normal sounds like.

Couples were old and young. Working class and wealthy. Heartbreak most certainly does not discriminate. It does not care about your money, your education or your issues. It also does not care how hard you love(d).

"I don't think we'll have to wait long, it looks like they're going in alphabetical order."

"I should've brought a book."

M commented that he had testified as an expert witness for this judge before. "I hope he doesn't recognize me."

Mr. Judge held the manila folder in his wedding-banded hand. Don't you judge me, you bastard. 

"Is your marriage irretrievably broken..." I hesitated because I wanted to be sure I understood the question before I gave my YES. About 5 questions and some photocopies later and we were done.

We exited the conference room (not an elaborate "court room", as I envisioned) and each headed for the bathrooms. I squeezed him on the elbow and he started crying. We exited the bathrooms at the same time and M said, "I'm sorry... it's just, the way your voice broke when you answered...." I was just unsure of what he was asking, I thought. Reminded again of how easily he misreads me.


I have to fucking go back to officially change my name. 5-7 days. Thanks a lot, Tradition. We grabbed a coffee and a game of chess downtown afterwards. He got a parking ticket. We made some inside jokes and he complained, "I don't want to have to teach someone else all of this."
 
It was truly the antithesis of my wedding. Dread rather than excitement. Clarity rather than unknowingness. I went home to The Dog and watched four episodes of The Misfits.

I saw you suffering, so I knelt
Down by your side, I saw that you
Were fading, that you were leaving
Your own mind
I gave you water just to soothe your
Failing heart and take away the fear
Of what we both know we will find

Grosser Ease

I went out of town 2 weeks ago and M watched The Dog for me. It was a kind favor but I know he also appreciated the company since he didn't have his son that weekend. When I dropped The Dog off, I noticed that he had almost no groceries. A container of wilted blueberries, a can of beans, maybe some questionable milk. So when I came back to town I pick up several bags of food since L was going back to school the next Monday.

M met me at the house and I unpacked the groceries with him. I showed him where things went and I gave him ideas for packing lunch. We discussed meals that would be easy to prepare (and I had sent him an email on all of this earlier as well.)

He seemed so fucking helpless and I felt conflicted. I was irate that he wasn't taking care of these things. That he never did. That he once asked me where the measuring cups were. It's like, "THERE ARE ONLY 4 FUCKING DRAWERS IN THIS KITCHEN AND THIS IS YOUR KITCHEN! YOU SHOULD KNOW WHERE THE SHIT IN YOUR KITCHEN IS!"

My blood boils at the mere thought.

But his helplessness also made me feel sad. Like I wanted to take care of him. A friend who is experiencing marriage issues lamented that she feels like she is her husband's mother. There is a fine line between nurturing because you want to be and mothering because nothing gets done unless you do.

Snake Bite

I haven't cried in a few days. I've been a walking snake bite, squeezing out some of that poison with each cry. I think I've only got a bit of that venom left. Soon I'll just be left with the sting then the scars.

He gave me a poem entitled, "Last Poem". It was a sad sharing about his mental state that repeated the gem: "but in the end you really just left us". That's a sad thought but I don't feel bad or guilty. I value myself too much to sacrifice my chance for a fulfilling life. I feel confident about my handling of this situation.

He told me that he didn't want me to be offended by the negative tone and I told him that this was his expression and I support it. I didn't tell him that I thought it was full of ego and that this probably elicited the exact opposite response in me that he intended (although he would deny that he had intentions or expectations).

Now, I am able to just get him. I can get him from afar without feeling like I have to tell him about it.

This is just a process and it does get better. There are several variables to factor in: Time. Space. And The Dog.

My apartment is trying to kill me.

I have been experiencing weird vertigo, nausea and headaches the last couple of days. Because I'm a google certified medical doctor, I thought I was having an inner ear infection of some kind. Someone pointed out that it might be mold. *gasp*

My crazy wooden cabin might have mold. So I started getting really paranoid and drove to walmart to get a mold test kit. No luck. I came home and started vacuuming the walls and then I turned my attention to the AC units. I had been meaning to clean those filters...

The filters were pretty raunchy and coated with probably years of dust. After thoroughly vacuuming the 2 downstairs filters I headed upstairs to clean my bedroom unit. Holy fucking attack of the dust bunnies. There was a layer fit to make a winter sweater. As I vacuumed the dust, I noticed that there was some dampness... some darkness... some mother fucking black mold!! This unit has been blowing towards my bed for the last 4 days. Not to mention that I had a box fan in front of it. Little did I know I was creating a superpathway for black mold spores to travel into my lungs. I wonder how the dog has felt.

I do not miss cleaning a large country club home. I do miss things being new and non-mysterious.
I do not miss feeling like a stranger in my life. I just want my apartment to stop trying to kill me.

Thank God for The Dog

Wow, I don't know how anybody could go through this without an animal companion.

My little apartment/chalet/cabin came with an outdoor patio set with an iron table and 2 chairs. I sit outside and take in the night. I look at the empty chair and experience loneliness. This week was tough because I had no internet. So after my duties for the day were complete and I milked all the phone conversations I could... it was just me. And The Dog! Thank god for The Dog.


I updated [almost] all of my online mailing addresses. Moving sucks.

I promise to only be whiny and lonely for like another 2 weeks, give or take a lifetime. Then the real exciting blogging will begin.

Then I'll be taking applications for Porch Service Representatives.

Grossery

Today was my first shopping experience as a single person (in the last 5 years.) It totally threw me off to only shop for items that I wanted. It was weird to be so conservative and to not buy kiddie food. I haven't been motivated to really cook anything yet. It will be challenging to balance my enjoyment of lavish cooking with the fact that I am the only one eating.

The Dog seems happy. He occasionally paces around our small space and I comfort him, "I know it's small but you'll adjust." We go on walks a few times a day. The neighborhood is great for walks despite the fact that I have to pick up his poo. The sacrifices.

If only we were raised to think that marriages aren't forever, this would be so much easier. A lot of people would be doing much better. And those that never divorced would just be pleasantly surprised.

Who am I kidding. I was definitely not raised to think marriages are forever. So few people are.

Why does our culture talk about the tradition of marriage being one way, when the way we actually behave is so completely different? We are a nation of big fat liars.

Back in school they never taught us what we needed to know. 

Like how to deal with despair or someone breakin your heart.

Compatibility

Things I have noticed:

• I am less motivated to do chores. Which makes me look forward to only having to do chores for two. (Including my dog.)
• I am more active on facebook. Which makes me dread looking desperate.
• I am hyper aware of all of the reasons I should not be married to M:

1. He is a libertarian although basically a conservative because of the viable political options. I am largely liberal. He refers to those on my side as "liberal hippy fucks" and similar petnames.
2. He eats meat with a desire to eat more meat. I eat some poultry and fish with a desire to eat more vegetarian.
3. He cares strongly about competition and WINNING, relating it to manhood, survival etc... I could care less about winning and am more a "moral of the story" kind of gal.

I could go on but I know these incompatibilities didn't really make or break us. I dealt with them for 5 years and only experienced occasional annoyance. It was something else. It was a feeling that did us in not a rational explanation.

My theory is that the more work I did on myself, the more complete I became and the less I "needed" someone. I think I initially chose him because I had a lot of emotional needs. We all have needs and needs are fine. However, I was trying to patch up the holes left from past hurts with his love. It worked for a little while. Maybe that's where the compatibility came in.