Hey. Been trying to meet you.

D-DAY: T-minus 34 hours.

When I first met him, I was still married. We had a casual conversation in a small group. I thought, "He's cute. If only..."

I was unhappily married at the time. I never let on. He saw the ring and was respectful. There was no further contact.

Fast forward 6 months (-ish - probably more.) 

Dancing at 80s night. He asks me to dinner. I oblige, being 4 weeks out of the house. On the follow-up phone call, he asks, "Were you not married the first time I met you?" I reply, "I was. Technically still am... " "When I first met you, I was bummed to see you were married." "Me too." I share, possibly too candidly. 

Teenage dreams and makeout sessions.

I forced myself to have a conversation that I advocate for but have never experienced. The "where I'm at and what works for me" kind of conversation. I stopped the man, mid-makeout, to say, "I want to have a conversation." He was totally down.

I just tried to transcribe the evening on this blog... but it's easier to explain the outcome. He's ready for a relationship but willing to wait. I'm simply not ready for a relationship. Can I justify that since he's willing to wait it's okay to progress? I don't think I can. Despite the fact that I don't need to make a decision right now, I know that at some point, in the relatively near future, I will need to make a decision. Is this fair? Is this right?

I also had to have an eye-to-eye conversation that I am not ready for intimacy. Makeout sessions are awesome and fun. I'm not willing to throw orgasm-induced-chemical-confusion into the mix. No sex! You hear me?! NO SEX IN THE CHAMPAGNE ROOM!

I have to say, he handled it so well. Super cool and mature about it all. He was like, "I'm all about being teenagers." Points.

He agreed to say F-U to protocol and to just do what works for us. But how reasonable can you be when you are feeling infatuated? It just doesn't seem fair.

And the fact remains - I am being distracted from a healing/grieving process that is so necessary. Ugh. Time for another unfamiliar and downright uncomfortable conversation.