It's shitty because I can't trust myself at this point. Despite how cool and exciting a prospect might be, I don't know if I'm just trying to evade my aloneness. The only way to really know is to sit in this shit and prove to myself that I am doing just fine. Only time will tell, my friends.
Things that help keep this manageable... we are limited in our texting/phonecalls. We are not FB friends. I remain mindful about the powers of infatuation chemicals. I stay busy with life etc. Fuck you chemicals!
I put my soul in what I do
Last night I drew a funny man
With dark eyes and a hanging tongue
It goes way bad
I never liked a sad look
From someone who wants to be loved by you
It was so strange. We walked up to the courthouse and passed a group of protesters. He made a snide political remark to which I replied, "I don't think that's funny and I don't care what you have to say." This reminder of our polarity was just what I needed to get my game face on.
Third floor of the courthouse, waiting for his honorable holy ass, Mr. Judge. There were maybe 15 other couples in the waiting area. Some were sitting next to each other, trying to seem normal. Some were convincing. One couple had British accents. Who knows what their normal sounds like.
Couples were old and young. Working class and wealthy. Heartbreak most certainly does not discriminate. It does not care about your money, your education or your issues. It also does not care how hard you love(d).
"I don't think we'll have to wait long, it looks like they're going in alphabetical order."
"I should've brought a book."
M commented that he had testified as an expert witness for this judge before. "I hope he doesn't recognize me."
Mr. Judge held the manila folder in his wedding-banded hand. Don't you judge me, you bastard.
"Is your marriage irretrievably broken..." I hesitated because I wanted to be sure I understood the question before I gave my YES. About 5 questions and some photocopies later and we were done.
We exited the conference room (not an elaborate "court room", as I envisioned) and each headed for the bathrooms. I squeezed him on the elbow and he started crying. We exited the bathrooms at the same time and M said, "I'm sorry... it's just, the way your voice broke when you answered...." I was just unsure of what he was asking, I thought. Reminded again of how easily he misreads me.
I have to fucking go back to officially change my name. 5-7 days. Thanks a lot, Tradition. We grabbed a coffee and a game of chess downtown afterwards. He got a parking ticket. We made some inside jokes and he complained, "I don't want to have to teach someone else all of this."
It was truly the antithesis of my wedding. Dread rather than excitement. Clarity rather than unknowingness. I went home to The Dog and watched four episodes of The Misfits.
I saw you suffering, so I knelt
Down by your side, I saw that you
Were fading, that you were leaving
Your own mind
I gave you water just to soothe your
Failing heart and take away the fear
Of what we both know we will find
When I first met him, I was still married. We had a casual conversation in a small group. I thought, "He's cute. If only..."
I was unhappily married at the time. I never let on. He saw the ring and was respectful. There was no further contact.
Fast forward 6 months (-ish - probably more.)
Dancing at 80s night. He asks me to dinner. I oblige, being 4 weeks out of the house. On the follow-up phone call, he asks, "Were you not married the first time I met you?" I reply, "I was. Technically still am... " "When I first met you, I was bummed to see you were married." "Me too." I share, possibly too candidly.
Teenage dreams and makeout sessions.
I forced myself to have a conversation that I advocate for but have never experienced. The "where I'm at and what works for me" kind of conversation. I stopped the man, mid-makeout, to say, "I want to have a conversation." He was totally down.
I just tried to transcribe the evening on this blog... but it's easier to explain the outcome. He's ready for a relationship but willing to wait. I'm simply not ready for a relationship. Can I justify that since he's willing to wait it's okay to progress? I don't think I can. Despite the fact that I don't need to make a decision right now, I know that at some point, in the relatively near future, I will need to make a decision. Is this fair? Is this right?
I also had to have an eye-to-eye conversation that I am not ready for intimacy. Makeout sessions are awesome and fun. I'm not willing to throw orgasm-induced-chemical-confusion into the mix. No sex! You hear me?! NO SEX IN THE CHAMPAGNE ROOM!
I have to say, he handled it so well. Super cool and mature about it all. He was like, "I'm all about being teenagers." Points.
He agreed to say F-U to protocol and to just do what works for us. But how reasonable can you be when you are feeling infatuated? It just doesn't seem fair.
And the fact remains - I am being distracted from a healing/grieving process that is so necessary. Ugh. Time for another unfamiliar and downright uncomfortable conversation.
I've had some light romantic distractions. Just 2 dates with the new guy and some conversations with old flames. What I realized is, that no matter how I have tried to cautiously control and manage the situations... I am being distracted from the grieving and the pain. I can't allow that to happen. I need to fully process this so I can complete it and move on. So, with this realized awareness, I'll adjust accordingly.
I got my finger on the trigger But I don't know who to trust When I look into your eyes There's just devils and dust
M and I continue to maintain a light friendship, seeing each other maybe once a week, handling things and exchanging favors. A friend was concerned about our arrangement and suggested that we needed more separation. I thought about it carefully. We're trying to do things differently than it's usually done, so I get that this scenario is unfamiliar. But is it counterproductive? For me, I don't think it is. But perhaps it is for M. This decision is not entirely mutual. Although he's pretty broken up by this, he expresses that maintaining this friendship helps him cope with the loss. But is it too soon? Is it hindering his healing?
I don't cry as often. When I do, I cry with more force. Purging. Ugh.
I got God on my side And I'm just trying to survive What if what you do to survive Kills the things you love Fear's a powerful thing, baby It can turn your heart black you can trust It'll take your God filled soul And fill it with devils and dust
leaving even when it's hard.
leaving even when you know it's going to be lonely.
leaving even when it doesn't "look good."
leaving even when you're not sure it's "right."
hard.
lonely.
looking bad.
being wrong.
scary.
possibility.
