There Are No Shortcuts Through Pain

I move into my new apartment tomorrow. I went and checked it out tonight. Walked around and tried to visualize my things and my life in this new space. It's scary but it feels good.

We had a good conversation about what's been going on with him and the new girl. He was very honest about his behaviors and thoughts. He didn't expect me to be affected or hurt whatsoever... I guess because I am the one who wanted this divorce. Although I haven't felt jealous, it has definitely hurt. I'm open to the idea that there are unwritten rules about how to handle these things and that those rules may be a bunch of bullshit. It's okay to move on quickly; however, it felt inauthentic. He was presenting it as a casual, friendly, "no big deal" relationship. But I know that something romantic is brewing. Not sure at what level but it is very apparent and he finally copped to it. It would have been hard for me to trust him and to shift into a friendship if he was not going to be fully authentic.

I told him there are 2 things at play here: (1) my feelings and how I am affected and (2) his well-being and how he is or isn't taking care of himself. He occurred to me to be self-medicating in a way that was leaving other emotions unattended... which seemed scary. There are no shortcuts through pain. You can avoid it but it will always come back to getcha.

Regarding my feelings, I just needed to be acknowledged. But I can take care of myself and I don't have the same expectations of him now that we are not together. Regarding his well-being, I am trying to approach it like I would with any friend. I gave my advice and I'll leave it up to him to follow through in the way he thinks is the healthiest.

We are going to continue to be there for each other throughout this process. He was devastated that his recent actions could have jeopardized this friendship we are trying to create. I told him that we have created the possibility for a great friendship but that it is organic and things are subject to change based on our choices. I'm not going to hold this against him. But I need to get the fuck out of Dodge.

I have a date with a U-Haul tomorrow.

Reactions.

I told my OBGYN that I was in the middle of a divorce and she said, "Congratulations."

How Soon is Too Soon?

That's a good question.

When you say it's gonna happen now,
When exactly do you mean? 

I like to consider myself a fairly evolved individual who aims to evolve even further into the spaces unawares. I want to not be bothered by him spending so much time with someone new so quickly. He says it's just friendly and clearly it reflects some self-medicating. Does the fact that I want this split more than he does warrant him to act cruelly sooner? I'm being dramatic, I know he's not being cruel. It would just be nice for me to be out of the house before he began announcing his new distraction. Well maybe that's my fucking fault for taking 2 weeks to move out.

He is human and he needs to be loved
Just like everybody else does

Things will get a lot easier when I am moved out and feeling safe to explore my own distractions. I refuse to be catty throughout this process. One thing I hate about the female population is our proclivity to be catty towards the exes and the replacements. Maybe there is a sliver of evolutionary involvement but I know this is socially ingrained in us. We shouldn't be enemies. Sometimes, we are that girl. Or our best friend is that girl. mrrrrrrowwww I will not be catty. I will not be catty. Meow when I say "I will not be catty", I mean it.

Nausea Green, As Opposed to Envy Green

I have experienced an impressive range of emotions over the last few days but have not had adequate internet connection to post. The annoyances of this married life are helping my mood about my transition.

I'm looking forward to the callus on the back of my ring finger going away. I've had this for 5 years because the ring he bought me was too big and I had to have small spacer balls welded on the back to make it fit. This was always a source of aggravation for me because I swore at the time he lied about the size ring he bought for the purposes of rushing our engagement. At the time, he lied about a lot of things.

I bought an amazing macbook with my engagement ring money. Wished I had done it a long time ago. It didn't take me long to realize I am not a "rock" kind of girl. I don't care about expensive jewelry. I don't care about big houses. I don't care about country club pool parties. No - I don't "don't care" about those things - I actually don't like or want them. I definitely changed over the years. Bloomed? Refined? I found myself and it was not in this home.

He accidentally sent me a text that was intended for another girl. I was shocked to find that I did not experience an ounce of jealousy. I was shocked. Then I was disgusted because I was brought back to when we first met. He was dating someone and I was the new girl. A lot of drama ensued. I was unaware of his mastery of manipulating words and events to make him appear innocent and to emerge the hero. He has grown a lot since those days but I tasted a remnant of that time and I wanted to vomit.

Blood is Thicker than Marriage

I've been sorting through junk drawers and splitting up our stuff. I'm cleaning and trying to make things simpler for him when I leave. I know he's not helpless but sometimes it feels that way. I feel awful at the thought of him feeling lost or confused in his own home. It kills me to think about him suffering in even the tiniest way. So says the woman who asked for the divorce. I organized the wires to the internet/router/fax crap and I wondered why I hadn't done it sooner. I'm cleaning things for the last time and it feels very strange.

And I wandered through the house like a little boy lost in the mall
And an astronaut could've seen the hunger in my eyes from space

My mom, sister and her kids are coming to town to visit for a week. We had this trip planned a long time ago and since they took the time off work, they decided to still come up. We considered getting them a hotel but M insisted they could stay here and that it would be okay. He said he'd stay away most of the day and with him sleeping upstairs, and us on the other side of the house, we'd be fairly separate and private.

He said he was feeling anxious about their arrival. It hit me how hard this must be for him. To have people show up that you have considered family for 5 years and now they are just... people. We know we love each other and we are committed to being excellent friends forever but there is a mental switch that is unavoidable. We are not family anymore.

I fear I have not felt the worst of it yet.

Oh, What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?
What do I do without you?

Wave of Mutilation

I've had waves of sadness today. I think it is because I am less distracted by worrying about how the people around me are going to be affected by this change.

He looks sad. He said he's happy that I look so happy. I tried to remind him that I'm sad too but that I'm in motion because I have so much to get done.

Sometimes I wake up scared in the middle of the night. I do get nightmares but also because my vision is poor, the shadows look like monsters. It sucks because it was always comforting to wake up with him by my side to protect me. I'd like to think that with less stress, the night terrors will stop.

cease to resist, giving my goodbye
drive my car into the ocean
you'll think i'm dead, but i sail away

Compatibility

Things I have noticed:

• I am less motivated to do chores. Which makes me look forward to only having to do chores for two. (Including my dog.)
• I am more active on facebook. Which makes me dread looking desperate.
• I am hyper aware of all of the reasons I should not be married to M:

1. He is a libertarian although basically a conservative because of the viable political options. I am largely liberal. He refers to those on my side as "liberal hippy fucks" and similar petnames.
2. He eats meat with a desire to eat more meat. I eat some poultry and fish with a desire to eat more vegetarian.
3. He cares strongly about competition and WINNING, relating it to manhood, survival etc... I could care less about winning and am more a "moral of the story" kind of gal.

I could go on but I know these incompatibilities didn't really make or break us. I dealt with them for 5 years and only experienced occasional annoyance. It was something else. It was a feeling that did us in not a rational explanation.

My theory is that the more work I did on myself, the more complete I became and the less I "needed" someone. I think I initially chose him because I had a lot of emotional needs. We all have needs and needs are fine. However, I was trying to patch up the holes left from past hurts with his love. It worked for a little while. Maybe that's where the compatibility came in.

Grow Stronger, Grow Leaves

A supportive message from one of my oldest friends:

Belated birthdays ago I made you a book and on one of the pages it said "Grow Stronger, Grow Leaves"  which always kind of bothered me because leaves don't seem all that strong.  In fact, now that I am more learned, I am even more bothered by this poor advice.  Let us not be plant-like - as plants are forced to grow where their seed is planted.  Instead, let's celebrate our mobility and not be afraid to seek a better environment for our growth.  If we are to attempt anything plant-like I have decided that it should be phototropism which is the plants growth toward light...we should always stare straight into the freakin sun and when it is dark out, rest our leaves for the day.

I put the deposit down for my new apartment today. Milestone? Everything feels like a milestone.

"I bought groceries for one person today." Milestone.

"I haven't cried all week." Milestone.

"I don't feel like a stranger in my life." Milestone.

Uncomfortable or just Unfamiliar

I thought I'd get on the ball today and see about selling my engagement ring. I drove around town getting quotes from various jewelers then opted to post it online.

I was so tempted to make light of the situation in the advertisement, like: "She's a beauty, maybe she'll bring you better luck than me!" But I was afraid it would hurt the resale value.

One jeweler looked down at the ring, then peered up at me... "What happened?"  

What happened? You really want to go there jeweler guy?

I said: "It burned a hole in my finger."

"Just kidding, it just didn't work out." And I smiled. I've been very smiley throughout this process.

Insensitive, Yet Amusing

One of our friends from our early days (who has not spoken to either of us in over a year) messaged us both the day after M made his big announcement about our divorce.

Yes - he posted it to his fucking facebook. Reason #732 why I cannot be married to this man.

"I know it's bad timing... but can you tell me where you bought J's ring? We want to get one like it."

Then she messaged me and suggested that I pawn my ring at the shop where her baby daddy works.

Wow.

I actually think it is hilarious and am not offended at all. But she doesn't know that! Any normal person would think that people would take offense to this. Maybe people are more enlightened than I give them credit for.