I am officially thirty years old. This has been an emotional birthday in so many good ways. For most of my marriage, I felt badly on my birthday. I would tell myself on my birthday, "Next year, I want to be happy. I need to be out of this marriage." And that birthday would roll around and I would be so depressed that I never mustered up the courage to leave something that wasn't working. I had many reasons for staying and it was always complex. But deep down, I knew I should've never gotten married.
I declared my separation before my 29th and officially moved out about a week after my birthday. It was too soon and too raw to be actually happy on my 29th. I was taking the right steps, but I was an emotional mess. This year, I am clear. I am rebuilt. I am elated.
I get teary just thinking about it. I kept letting myself down, year after year. Doing myself the injustice of staying when I shouldn't have. I am so comforted in my friendships and in my little cozy home. I am taking care of myself and it has been such a very, happy, birthday.
This song is dedicated to myself.
Who knows your birthday
Who knows your number
Who knows your color
Who knows your hands
Who knows the sum
The sum of all your parts
Who knows your limit
Who knows your highest
Who knows your lowest
Who knows your end
Who knows that bottom
The bottom of your heart
Hold on, hold on
Keep holding on to me
I will love you from the bottom
No one holds you better than me
Hold on, hold on
Doing the best we can
I will love you on your birthday
I will love you better than them
I abandoned this blog once I felt I had processed the majority of my grieving. This outlet was actually very helpful.
I still have important realizations about my marriage/divorce experience and I should get back to documenting them. This is good stuff.
So I had a small revelation last night. No matter how hard that process was, no matter how sad, depressed or desperate I felt... I never felt confused or unsure. I never sat in my tears asking myself if I had made the "right" choice. I am so grateful that I got myself to the place that allowed for me to move towards a life I really wanted.
Everything, everything, everything..
In its right place
In its right place
Right place
People are sometimes surprised when I say that M didn't put up a fight when I made the decision to split. He had only tried one letter or email, just to be sure. We had a conversation and I told him I was sure. Beyond that, he was supportive of my decision. He maintains that it's not what he wants but that he understands, intellectually, that this was the right decision.
And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around
And our love is pastured such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues strong
But it's always darkest before the dawn
I was talking with a friend whose relationship is not going well. I gave her the advice that if she chooses to separate, she just announce that this is how it is for her and it's simply a choice. Be clear about the choice. It's not because of any of his faults. While M had some qualities that contributed to me not wanting to be with him, what I was really in touch with, was a feeling of unhappiness that was not able to be change.
If I had pointed that finger at any of his qualities, that would give him something to fight for and something to try and change. I knew, that even if he "changed", I would still feel the same. If we make it about someone's faults, we are creating the opportunity for that person to save the relationship. Although for some people, this may be the outcome they want. I knew, wholeheartedly, that that outcome I wanted was to uncouple. I was able to accomplish this really difficult decision because I was clear on what I wanted and committed to making the choice.
And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark and right at my throat
Cause looking for heaven, for the devil in me
Looking for heaven, for the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me
It's shitty because I can't trust myself at this point. Despite how cool and exciting a prospect might be, I don't know if I'm just trying to evade my aloneness. The only way to really know is to sit in this shit and prove to myself that I am doing just fine. Only time will tell, my friends.
Things that help keep this manageable... we are limited in our texting/phonecalls. We are not FB friends. I remain mindful about the powers of infatuation chemicals. I stay busy with life etc. Fuck you chemicals!
I put my soul in what I do
Last night I drew a funny man
With dark eyes and a hanging tongue
It goes way bad
I never liked a sad look
From someone who wants to be loved by you
It was so strange. We walked up to the courthouse and passed a group of protesters. He made a snide political remark to which I replied, "I don't think that's funny and I don't care what you have to say." This reminder of our polarity was just what I needed to get my game face on.
Third floor of the courthouse, waiting for his honorable holy ass, Mr. Judge. There were maybe 15 other couples in the waiting area. Some were sitting next to each other, trying to seem normal. Some were convincing. One couple had British accents. Who knows what their normal sounds like.
Couples were old and young. Working class and wealthy. Heartbreak most certainly does not discriminate. It does not care about your money, your education or your issues. It also does not care how hard you love(d).
"I don't think we'll have to wait long, it looks like they're going in alphabetical order."
"I should've brought a book."
M commented that he had testified as an expert witness for this judge before. "I hope he doesn't recognize me."
Mr. Judge held the manila folder in his wedding-banded hand. Don't you judge me, you bastard.
"Is your marriage irretrievably broken..." I hesitated because I wanted to be sure I understood the question before I gave my YES. About 5 questions and some photocopies later and we were done.
We exited the conference room (not an elaborate "court room", as I envisioned) and each headed for the bathrooms. I squeezed him on the elbow and he started crying. We exited the bathrooms at the same time and M said, "I'm sorry... it's just, the way your voice broke when you answered...." I was just unsure of what he was asking, I thought. Reminded again of how easily he misreads me.
I have to fucking go back to officially change my name. 5-7 days. Thanks a lot, Tradition. We grabbed a coffee and a game of chess downtown afterwards. He got a parking ticket. We made some inside jokes and he complained, "I don't want to have to teach someone else all of this."
It was truly the antithesis of my wedding. Dread rather than excitement. Clarity rather than unknowingness. I went home to The Dog and watched four episodes of The Misfits.
I saw you suffering, so I knelt
Down by your side, I saw that you
Were fading, that you were leaving
Your own mind
I gave you water just to soothe your
Failing heart and take away the fear
Of what we both know we will find
When I first met him, I was still married. We had a casual conversation in a small group. I thought, "He's cute. If only..."
I was unhappily married at the time. I never let on. He saw the ring and was respectful. There was no further contact.
Fast forward 6 months (-ish - probably more.)
Dancing at 80s night. He asks me to dinner. I oblige, being 4 weeks out of the house. On the follow-up phone call, he asks, "Were you not married the first time I met you?" I reply, "I was. Technically still am... " "When I first met you, I was bummed to see you were married." "Me too." I share, possibly too candidly.
Teenage dreams and makeout sessions.
I forced myself to have a conversation that I advocate for but have never experienced. The "where I'm at and what works for me" kind of conversation. I stopped the man, mid-makeout, to say, "I want to have a conversation." He was totally down.
I just tried to transcribe the evening on this blog... but it's easier to explain the outcome. He's ready for a relationship but willing to wait. I'm simply not ready for a relationship. Can I justify that since he's willing to wait it's okay to progress? I don't think I can. Despite the fact that I don't need to make a decision right now, I know that at some point, in the relatively near future, I will need to make a decision. Is this fair? Is this right?
I also had to have an eye-to-eye conversation that I am not ready for intimacy. Makeout sessions are awesome and fun. I'm not willing to throw orgasm-induced-chemical-confusion into the mix. No sex! You hear me?! NO SEX IN THE CHAMPAGNE ROOM!
I have to say, he handled it so well. Super cool and mature about it all. He was like, "I'm all about being teenagers." Points.
He agreed to say F-U to protocol and to just do what works for us. But how reasonable can you be when you are feeling infatuated? It just doesn't seem fair.
And the fact remains - I am being distracted from a healing/grieving process that is so necessary. Ugh. Time for another unfamiliar and downright uncomfortable conversation.
I was reading Yalom's Love's Executioner and the existential concept of "ultimate aloneness" resonated with me. I think I am handling this so well because I have accepted this concept of ultimate aloneness.
Researching this topic more, brought me to another book: The psychology of romantic love: romantic love in an anti-romantic age by Nathaniel Branden
M played me a song he wrote about me. There was a line that went something like... "You say you don't define yourself by your relationships... well I think you're a sociopathic robot."
I'm not saying autonomy is necessarily better but this certainly describes my style and how I aspire to be in general. I'm not a sociopathic robot, I'm autonomous, motherfucker!
Excerpts from the book..
Autonomous individual understand that other people do not exist merely to satisfy their needs. They have accepted the fact that no matter how much love and caring may exist between persons, we are each of us, in an ultimate sense, responsible for ourselves.
Autonomous individuals have grown beyond the need to prove to anyone that they are a good boy or a good girl, just as they have outgrown the need for their spouse or romantic partner to be their mother or father.
They are ready for romantic love because they have grown up, because they do not experience themselves as waifs waiting to be rescued or saved; they do not require anyone else’s permission to be who they are, and their egos are not continually ‘on the line.’
An autonomous individual is one who does not experience his or her self-esteem as continually in question or in jeopardy. His or her worth is not a matter of continuing doubt. The source of approval resides within the self. It is not at the mercy of every encounter with another person.
Autonomous individuals have a great capacity to ‘roll with the punches,’ to see the normal frictions of everyday life in realistic perspective, not to get their feelings hurt over trivia, or, even if they are hurt occasionally, not to catastrophize such moments.
Further, autonomous individuals respect their partner’s need to follow his or her own destiny, to be alone sometimes, to be preoccupied sometimes, not to be thinking about the relationship sometimes, but rather about other vital matters that may not even involve the partner in any direct sense, such as work, personal developmental needs. So autonomous individuals do not always need to be focus of attention, do not panic when the partner is mentally preoccupied elsewhere. Autonomous individuals give this freedom to themselves as well as to those they love. This is the reason why between autonomous men and women, romantic love can grow.
No matter how passionate the commitment and devotion autonomous men and women may feel toward the one they love, there is still the recognition that space must exist, freedom must exist, sometimes aloneness must exist. There is the recognition that no matter how intensely we love, we are none of us ‘only’ lovers - we are also, in a broader sense, evolving human beings.
Autonomous individuals have assimilated and integrated the ultimate fact of human aloneness. Not resisting it, not denying it, they do not experience it as a burning pain or a tragedy in their lives. Therefore they are not constantly engaged in the effort to achieve, through their relationships, the illusion that such aloneness does not exist. They understand that it is the fact of aloneness that gives romantic love its unique intensity. Their harmony with aloneness is what makes them uniquely competent to participate in romantic love.
When two self-responsible human beings find each other, when they fall in love, they are able, to a degree far above the average, to appreciate each other, to enjoy each other, to see each other for what he or she is, precisely because the other is not viewed as the means of avoiding the fact that each must be responsible for him- or herself. Then they can fall into each other’s arms, then they can love each other, then sometimes one can play the child and the other the parent - and it doesn’t matter, because it is only a game, it is only a moment’s rest; each knows the ultimate truth and is not afraid of it, has made peace with it, has understood the essence of our humanity.
No one can think for us, no one can feel for us, no one can live our life for us, and no one can give meaning to our existence except ourselves. Aloneness entails self-responsibility.
When we have not matured to the point of being able to accept the fact of our ultimate aloneness, when we are frightened of it, when we try to deny it, we tend to overburden our relationships with an unhealthy dependence that stifles and suffocates them. We do not embrace, we cling. Without air and open space, love cannot breathe. This is the paradox: Only when we stop fighting the fact of our aloneness are we ready for romantic love.
Yes, I said it's fine before
But I don't think so no more
I said it's fine before
I've changed my mind
I take it back
Erase and rewind
'cause I've been changing my mind
Dammit. I found an online family tree that one of M's distant relatives compiled a few years ago. It noted that he was still married to his baby mama, so I emailed the family tree fairy and asked him to update it with my info.
Now that tree branch is burned into internet memory forever. Why did I bother? Ugh.
