They Treat You Special

When you say you're getting a divorce people get uncomfortable and treat you special.

I ordered new bank checks and the online system allowed me to type in the name as I wanted it printed. So I put my first and maiden name (the whole purpose for ordering new checks.) After I checked out, I called my bank to make sure that the name would be correct. The rep on the phone was very funny and cool. The info was actually not entered correctly, nor were the address changes I made, so he assisted me and said I was good to go. I playfully threatened that I would go to Bank of America if he didn't help me and he said, "Oh no - you dropped the B word!"

I received the checks and the changes were not made. I called the bank and the rep was telling me that they interpret my maiden name as a middle name and that it's against policy to print a first and middle name only. I replied that it would've been nice had the online program alerted me of that, as well as the first rep who helped me. I told her that I needed the name changed because I was going through a divorce. Her tone immediately changed, she put me on hold and then came back and told me that as soon as I got my checks I could call in and get a refund. No more questions asked.

I can get checks printed the way I want when I submit the official name change document to my bank. Okay, so they treat you kinda special.

Grosser Ease

I went out of town 2 weeks ago and M watched The Dog for me. It was a kind favor but I know he also appreciated the company since he didn't have his son that weekend. When I dropped The Dog off, I noticed that he had almost no groceries. A container of wilted blueberries, a can of beans, maybe some questionable milk. So when I came back to town I pick up several bags of food since L was going back to school the next Monday.

M met me at the house and I unpacked the groceries with him. I showed him where things went and I gave him ideas for packing lunch. We discussed meals that would be easy to prepare (and I had sent him an email on all of this earlier as well.)

He seemed so fucking helpless and I felt conflicted. I was irate that he wasn't taking care of these things. That he never did. That he once asked me where the measuring cups were. It's like, "THERE ARE ONLY 4 FUCKING DRAWERS IN THIS KITCHEN AND THIS IS YOUR KITCHEN! YOU SHOULD KNOW WHERE THE SHIT IN YOUR KITCHEN IS!"

My blood boils at the mere thought.

But his helplessness also made me feel sad. Like I wanted to take care of him. A friend who is experiencing marriage issues lamented that she feels like she is her husband's mother. There is a fine line between nurturing because you want to be and mothering because nothing gets done unless you do.

Snake Bite

I haven't cried in a few days. I've been a walking snake bite, squeezing out some of that poison with each cry. I think I've only got a bit of that venom left. Soon I'll just be left with the sting then the scars.

He gave me a poem entitled, "Last Poem". It was a sad sharing about his mental state that repeated the gem: "but in the end you really just left us". That's a sad thought but I don't feel bad or guilty. I value myself too much to sacrifice my chance for a fulfilling life. I feel confident about my handling of this situation.

He told me that he didn't want me to be offended by the negative tone and I told him that this was his expression and I support it. I didn't tell him that I thought it was full of ego and that this probably elicited the exact opposite response in me that he intended (although he would deny that he had intentions or expectations).

Now, I am able to just get him. I can get him from afar without feeling like I have to tell him about it.

This is just a process and it does get better. There are several variables to factor in: Time. Space. And The Dog.

More Real With Every Day

We had to remove each other from our respective banks today. It must've been awkward for the bankers that helped us.

Banker: "How can I help you?"
Me: "I need to see about changing the authorized users on my bank account."
M: "We're getting a divorce and we have to take me off her account."

While we sat in the chairs as Banker clicked away at his computer, we discussed weekend plans and swapped random stories of recent happenings. I'm going to L's golf tournament this weekend. It's important that he knows I still love him and I plan to be a support in his life.

Don't be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
'Cause I've seen the dark side too

M had a breakdown in the car. The girl that was initially distracting him moved away, so he's got more time to himself to soak up the loneliness. He's not taking it well. I told him it's been only 3 weeks since I moved out - he's not supposed to be over anything yet. On top of all this, his ex-wife is creating some issues for him. He said he feels like he has no power in his life. Things are just happening to him that he has no control over. Positive coping would help him but above all, it'll just take time.

So, if you're mad, get mad
Don't hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now

Banker1 notarized our divorce papers for us. She gives the worst motherfucking customer service in history - always has.  I drove away from the bank and the crying just poured out of me. It's like I can feel the little pain demon tearing his way out of my heart. I gasped for air for about 30 seconds and then it just stopped. I don't want to be with him but my brain is still programmed to want to take care of him.

I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you

Queen Frostine

I first noticed it running down my arms and covering my chest. Then I noticed it moving up my neck and face. The cold was coming from my heart.

...

So I'm making some tea.

My Face Leaks

Despite knowing how right this is, sometimes I just break down and cry.

Don't those sound like lyrics to a bad song? No, bad songs would not use the word "despite".

I want to get over this shit already so I can bring all the boys to my yard.

Five weeks ago.

Five weeks ago, I laid down to take a nap. I felt an overwhelming presence of unhappiness. I laid in bed and repeated to myself, "I want to be free", until I fell asleep.

I woke up a few hours later and M was home from playing golf. He was having a conversation with me and I was doing dishes. He said quietly, "Are you getting tired of me?"

I looked up at him and I knew - it was time. I hadn't planned for it. I hadn't formulated any strategy.

We sat down at the kitchen table and laid out our concerns and unmet expectations.

A few hours later, we had planned our separation.

Two weeks later, I was living in an apartment.

Today, I am free. The universe fulfilled on my sleepy request.


--

I used to be sad when I reflected on my break up with my college boyfriend. He moved to Canada to pursue being an artist, while I still had a year left in school. I didn't think we were going to make it through the long distance and we didn't. At the time, I felt abandoned and devalued. He told me years later that next time... he would fight for love.

I wanted that so badly. I was just thrilled that my pain paved the way for the next lucky lady.

How do you know when it's worth fighting for? When there's any fight left.

I will survive... or something.

Health update: I don't think my apartment is trying to kill me. I am still experiencing some strange symptoms although they have faded as of today, so hopefully I'll recover soon. Good news is, now that I am single and poor again, I qualify for free county healthcare!

He told me last week that he introduced her to his son. It was in a casual, social setting. It was like a punch to the gut. On a personal level, it feels so familiar. I was that girl at one point. But on a reasonable adult level, it just seemed stupid. Although she was introduced as a "friend", I don't want L to worry his little head one bit about the idea that there would be a new woman entering his life right now. That must be scary for a kid. Kids are keener than we give them credit for. I gave him my opinion on why that was a bad idea for L. He told me one of the benefits of being divorced is not being told what to do. However, he "entertained" my thoughts on the matter because I was an important part of L's growing up. I was reminded that he often thinks about how he is affected in a situation, not how others are affected. 

I know I am the one who wanted to leave... but it still hurts.

She was a stranger in her own house
The wind beneath her feet
Isn't it strange when you figure out
The monsters in your sleep?

We had dinner together tonight. I was going to swing by to say hi to L and we decided to grab food. It was nice. M holds his gaze on me a little too long.

People don't do this after breaking up. Maintain friendships. I now see what they are trying to avoid. Punches to the gut and uncomfortably long gazes.


All of these little discoveries and sharing of information feel like I'm being TKOed in the ring. But I just keep getting back up. Eye of the Tiger? Rocky theme song? I Will Survive? Something like that.

And together we'll find, we're better apart
I don't know the way and I don't know the start
But I won't regret you, I won't regret you

My apartment is trying to kill me.

I have been experiencing weird vertigo, nausea and headaches the last couple of days. Because I'm a google certified medical doctor, I thought I was having an inner ear infection of some kind. Someone pointed out that it might be mold. *gasp*

My crazy wooden cabin might have mold. So I started getting really paranoid and drove to walmart to get a mold test kit. No luck. I came home and started vacuuming the walls and then I turned my attention to the AC units. I had been meaning to clean those filters...

The filters were pretty raunchy and coated with probably years of dust. After thoroughly vacuuming the 2 downstairs filters I headed upstairs to clean my bedroom unit. Holy fucking attack of the dust bunnies. There was a layer fit to make a winter sweater. As I vacuumed the dust, I noticed that there was some dampness... some darkness... some mother fucking black mold!! This unit has been blowing towards my bed for the last 4 days. Not to mention that I had a box fan in front of it. Little did I know I was creating a superpathway for black mold spores to travel into my lungs. I wonder how the dog has felt.

I do not miss cleaning a large country club home. I do miss things being new and non-mysterious.
I do not miss feeling like a stranger in my life. I just want my apartment to stop trying to kill me.

Thank God for The Dog

Wow, I don't know how anybody could go through this without an animal companion.

My little apartment/chalet/cabin came with an outdoor patio set with an iron table and 2 chairs. I sit outside and take in the night. I look at the empty chair and experience loneliness. This week was tough because I had no internet. So after my duties for the day were complete and I milked all the phone conversations I could... it was just me. And The Dog! Thank god for The Dog.


I updated [almost] all of my online mailing addresses. Moving sucks.

I promise to only be whiny and lonely for like another 2 weeks, give or take a lifetime. Then the real exciting blogging will begin.

Then I'll be taking applications for Porch Service Representatives.

Grossery

Today was my first shopping experience as a single person (in the last 5 years.) It totally threw me off to only shop for items that I wanted. It was weird to be so conservative and to not buy kiddie food. I haven't been motivated to really cook anything yet. It will be challenging to balance my enjoyment of lavish cooking with the fact that I am the only one eating.

The Dog seems happy. He occasionally paces around our small space and I comfort him, "I know it's small but you'll adjust." We go on walks a few times a day. The neighborhood is great for walks despite the fact that I have to pick up his poo. The sacrifices.

If only we were raised to think that marriages aren't forever, this would be so much easier. A lot of people would be doing much better. And those that never divorced would just be pleasantly surprised.

Who am I kidding. I was definitely not raised to think marriages are forever. So few people are.

Why does our culture talk about the tradition of marriage being one way, when the way we actually behave is so completely different? We are a nation of big fat liars.

Back in school they never taught us what we needed to know. 

Like how to deal with despair or someone breakin your heart.

Scared.

I work part-time as a vocational evaluator for people with mental health issues who are trying to reenter the workforce. I have a client who is suffering from extreme PTSD and depression. She is trying to return to work after a year off and we came up with a great plan for her. We are starting her off part-time in a low stress environment, with lots of support and accommodations worked in. She appeared completely non-responsive when discussing her plan. Blank stare. I initially attributed her affect to her being so heavily medicated for her conditions, but the rehab counselor asked her, "If there was a job to apply for tomorrow - how would you feel?"

"Scared.", she replied.

If someone asked me, "If there was a guy who asked you on a date tomorrow, how would you feel?" I would say the same thing. I have been too busy getting my home in order to do much socializing. But the idea of even talking to a guy terrifies me right now. I don't feel single yet. I feel like I am experiencing my own small dose of PTSD.

This is probably a good thing. It is unusual for me to leave a relationship without some kind of romantic distraction on the back burner. Much like he is doing... that's usually me.

Everything will be so different the next time around.