Divorce is ...

leaving even when it's hard.
leaving even when you know it's going to be lonely.
leaving even when it doesn't "look good."
leaving even when you're not sure it's "right."
hard.
lonely.
looking bad.
being wrong.
scary.
possibility.

Dream Monsters

I had a dream that M was absolutely awful to me. He crashed a little party I was at with some friends, and came in and just started telling me off. He was completely losing his cool and while I spat verbal insults back, I maintained my composure. My friends and other attendees of the party were witness to how uncool he was being and in the moment - I felt justified in my divorce.

I remember feeling some relief. I often reflect on how an angry and hateful breakup feels easier. It's probably not nearly as healthy as a communicative, loving breakup, but it does feel easier. It allows you to turn that person into a monster and to block all those hurt feelings with anger. Of course the hurt that is not being acknowledged will just hide out only to resurface in moments of weakness.

PSA: All the Single Ladies

How to Enjoy Being Single -- powered by ehow

Damn that was helpful. I was feeling pretty fucking lost before I saw that video. For any of my friends that are reading... Patty has some tips for how you can comfort me.

D-Day

We submitted our divorce paperwork. They give you the date for the court hearing while you're there. D-Day is scheduled for October 12th.

At the court house, the clerk had to notarize some forms for us. M forgot to date a page and she said, "You're a bad dater." He replied, "I'm a worse husband." and gave a forced laugh. She wasn't amused. M said, "That's not funny, huh." She shook her head. "Sometimes marriage just doesn't work out, that doesn't mean anyone's bad." M got uncomfortable. "I'm just kidding, we're friends."

Awkward and annoying.

He keeps trying to solicit some "no-meaning" intimate relations from me and I couldn't be more disinterested. The thought actually makes my skin crawl. Once I am emotionally done with someone... I can't imagine being romantic or intimate. I experience a total shift in my perception that has me losing all attraction to the person.

I'm going to babysit L for a few hours tonight, which is great because I can do laundry while I'm there! M offered to pay me what he would pay a babysitter. Ten fucking dollars an hour lol. Of course I'm not going to take it but I thought it was so ridiculous that he offered.

Expectations fuck everything up.

When nothing seems constant or reliable, friends bring me joy. They provide safety and assurance. Friends are the constant.

Yep, Terrified.

And in the spring I shed my skin
And it blows away with the changing wind

Danced at 80s night last night. Ran into a cute gentleman that I've seen out there a couple of times. He's older. Late 30s. Has a 3-yr-old son. The first time I met him, I was married. (To that comment last night, my friend said, "You still kinda are.") Ok yes, still technically married.

We said hello and danced near each other. I was being very careful not to make eye contact because I knew if there was any interest for an invitation, the eyes would send that invitation. Then I became self conscious that I was being too standoffish and realized that I didn't want to lose his interest for future possibilities... so I made eye contact twice. We would smile and spin around, maximizing the dancefloor space.

I sat at the bar to order a drink and he asked, "Can I buy you a drink for conversation?" I liked that he said that, like no weird expectations (which is why I don't usually let guys buy me drinks.) We chatted about his son, my job and Teen Wolf, which was playing on the projector screen behind the bar. "Relationship counseling?", he said. He remembered from our first conversation months ago.

The girls and I were leaving and I said goodbye to him. He said something like, "I'm Irish and unconventional, so I'd like to know if you'd have dinner with me on Friday."

I must've ordered the Terror beer because that was all I could taste. I looked down to collect myself. I could not even remember what day it was or what I was supposed to be doing on the next Friday. I asked him when that was and he said it was in a week. I said yes.

He said he would "find me". No phone number exchanged. I left it to the powers of Facebook.

I'm processing a couple of things right now.

1. Fear. Am I really going on a fucking date with a total stranger? WTF.
2. Sadness. You get used to sitting across the table from the same person after 5 years. It's just sad.
3. Guilt. Would a guy be irritated that a girl would accept a date when she's only been broken up from her husband for about 7 weeks? Is that long enough? Is there such a thing? Does it really matter because it's just a date, i.e. conversation?
4. Excitement. It feels good to know I can get back on the saddle again. Sometimes it seemed like it just wouldn't happen. Everyone here is so young and beautiful. I feel old and tired.

I think this is probably the best scenario possible. He's older with a son, he'll understand baggage. I don't feel like I am ready to date steadily but I want to have a conversation with this guy. We'll have an adult and fun exchange. I'll be upfront about my situation and my concerns that it may have been weird or too soon, along with my intentions for the date. I want to get to know him outside of a noisy club.

This is a gift, it comes with a price

He FBed me and said hello. Holy fuck.

The looking glass, so shiny and new
How quickly the glamour fades
I start spinning, slipping out of time
Was that the wrong pill to take?

I'm going back through my blog and adding mp3 widgets for the songs I've been quoting.

They Treat You Special

When you say you're getting a divorce people get uncomfortable and treat you special.

I ordered new bank checks and the online system allowed me to type in the name as I wanted it printed. So I put my first and maiden name (the whole purpose for ordering new checks.) After I checked out, I called my bank to make sure that the name would be correct. The rep on the phone was very funny and cool. The info was actually not entered correctly, nor were the address changes I made, so he assisted me and said I was good to go. I playfully threatened that I would go to Bank of America if he didn't help me and he said, "Oh no - you dropped the B word!"

I received the checks and the changes were not made. I called the bank and the rep was telling me that they interpret my maiden name as a middle name and that it's against policy to print a first and middle name only. I replied that it would've been nice had the online program alerted me of that, as well as the first rep who helped me. I told her that I needed the name changed because I was going through a divorce. Her tone immediately changed, she put me on hold and then came back and told me that as soon as I got my checks I could call in and get a refund. No more questions asked.

I can get checks printed the way I want when I submit the official name change document to my bank. Okay, so they treat you kinda special.

Grosser Ease

I went out of town 2 weeks ago and M watched The Dog for me. It was a kind favor but I know he also appreciated the company since he didn't have his son that weekend. When I dropped The Dog off, I noticed that he had almost no groceries. A container of wilted blueberries, a can of beans, maybe some questionable milk. So when I came back to town I pick up several bags of food since L was going back to school the next Monday.

M met me at the house and I unpacked the groceries with him. I showed him where things went and I gave him ideas for packing lunch. We discussed meals that would be easy to prepare (and I had sent him an email on all of this earlier as well.)

He seemed so fucking helpless and I felt conflicted. I was irate that he wasn't taking care of these things. That he never did. That he once asked me where the measuring cups were. It's like, "THERE ARE ONLY 4 FUCKING DRAWERS IN THIS KITCHEN AND THIS IS YOUR KITCHEN! YOU SHOULD KNOW WHERE THE SHIT IN YOUR KITCHEN IS!"

My blood boils at the mere thought.

But his helplessness also made me feel sad. Like I wanted to take care of him. A friend who is experiencing marriage issues lamented that she feels like she is her husband's mother. There is a fine line between nurturing because you want to be and mothering because nothing gets done unless you do.

Snake Bite

I haven't cried in a few days. I've been a walking snake bite, squeezing out some of that poison with each cry. I think I've only got a bit of that venom left. Soon I'll just be left with the sting then the scars.

He gave me a poem entitled, "Last Poem". It was a sad sharing about his mental state that repeated the gem: "but in the end you really just left us". That's a sad thought but I don't feel bad or guilty. I value myself too much to sacrifice my chance for a fulfilling life. I feel confident about my handling of this situation.

He told me that he didn't want me to be offended by the negative tone and I told him that this was his expression and I support it. I didn't tell him that I thought it was full of ego and that this probably elicited the exact opposite response in me that he intended (although he would deny that he had intentions or expectations).

Now, I am able to just get him. I can get him from afar without feeling like I have to tell him about it.

This is just a process and it does get better. There are several variables to factor in: Time. Space. And The Dog.

More Real With Every Day

We had to remove each other from our respective banks today. It must've been awkward for the bankers that helped us.

Banker: "How can I help you?"
Me: "I need to see about changing the authorized users on my bank account."
M: "We're getting a divorce and we have to take me off her account."

While we sat in the chairs as Banker clicked away at his computer, we discussed weekend plans and swapped random stories of recent happenings. I'm going to L's golf tournament this weekend. It's important that he knows I still love him and I plan to be a support in his life.

Don't be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
'Cause I've seen the dark side too

M had a breakdown in the car. The girl that was initially distracting him moved away, so he's got more time to himself to soak up the loneliness. He's not taking it well. I told him it's been only 3 weeks since I moved out - he's not supposed to be over anything yet. On top of all this, his ex-wife is creating some issues for him. He said he feels like he has no power in his life. Things are just happening to him that he has no control over. Positive coping would help him but above all, it'll just take time.

So, if you're mad, get mad
Don't hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now

Banker1 notarized our divorce papers for us. She gives the worst motherfucking customer service in history - always has.  I drove away from the bank and the crying just poured out of me. It's like I can feel the little pain demon tearing his way out of my heart. I gasped for air for about 30 seconds and then it just stopped. I don't want to be with him but my brain is still programmed to want to take care of him.

I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you