Divorce is ...

leaving even when it's hard.
leaving even when you know it's going to be lonely.
leaving even when it doesn't "look good."
leaving even when you're not sure it's "right."
hard.
lonely.
looking bad.
being wrong.
scary.
possibility.

Dream Monsters

I had a dream that M was absolutely awful to me. He crashed a little party I was at with some friends, and came in and just started telling me off. He was completely losing his cool and while I spat verbal insults back, I maintained my composure. My friends and other attendees of the party were witness to how uncool he was being and in the moment - I felt justified in my divorce.

I remember feeling some relief. I often reflect on how an angry and hateful breakup feels easier. It's probably not nearly as healthy as a communicative, loving breakup, but it does feel easier. It allows you to turn that person into a monster and to block all those hurt feelings with anger. Of course the hurt that is not being acknowledged will just hide out only to resurface in moments of weakness.

PSA: All the Single Ladies

How to Enjoy Being Single -- powered by ehow

Damn that was helpful. I was feeling pretty fucking lost before I saw that video. For any of my friends that are reading... Patty has some tips for how you can comfort me.

D-Day

We submitted our divorce paperwork. They give you the date for the court hearing while you're there. D-Day is scheduled for October 12th.

At the court house, the clerk had to notarize some forms for us. M forgot to date a page and she said, "You're a bad dater." He replied, "I'm a worse husband." and gave a forced laugh. She wasn't amused. M said, "That's not funny, huh." She shook her head. "Sometimes marriage just doesn't work out, that doesn't mean anyone's bad." M got uncomfortable. "I'm just kidding, we're friends."

Awkward and annoying.

He keeps trying to solicit some "no-meaning" intimate relations from me and I couldn't be more disinterested. The thought actually makes my skin crawl. Once I am emotionally done with someone... I can't imagine being romantic or intimate. I experience a total shift in my perception that has me losing all attraction to the person.

I'm going to babysit L for a few hours tonight, which is great because I can do laundry while I'm there! M offered to pay me what he would pay a babysitter. Ten fucking dollars an hour lol. Of course I'm not going to take it but I thought it was so ridiculous that he offered.

Expectations fuck everything up.

When nothing seems constant or reliable, friends bring me joy. They provide safety and assurance. Friends are the constant.

Yep, Terrified.

And in the spring I shed my skin
And it blows away with the changing wind

Danced at 80s night last night. Ran into a cute gentleman that I've seen out there a couple of times. He's older. Late 30s. Has a 3-yr-old son. The first time I met him, I was married. (To that comment last night, my friend said, "You still kinda are.") Ok yes, still technically married.

We said hello and danced near each other. I was being very careful not to make eye contact because I knew if there was any interest for an invitation, the eyes would send that invitation. Then I became self conscious that I was being too standoffish and realized that I didn't want to lose his interest for future possibilities... so I made eye contact twice. We would smile and spin around, maximizing the dancefloor space.

I sat at the bar to order a drink and he asked, "Can I buy you a drink for conversation?" I liked that he said that, like no weird expectations (which is why I don't usually let guys buy me drinks.) We chatted about his son, my job and Teen Wolf, which was playing on the projector screen behind the bar. "Relationship counseling?", he said. He remembered from our first conversation months ago.

The girls and I were leaving and I said goodbye to him. He said something like, "I'm Irish and unconventional, so I'd like to know if you'd have dinner with me on Friday."

I must've ordered the Terror beer because that was all I could taste. I looked down to collect myself. I could not even remember what day it was or what I was supposed to be doing on the next Friday. I asked him when that was and he said it was in a week. I said yes.

He said he would "find me". No phone number exchanged. I left it to the powers of Facebook.

I'm processing a couple of things right now.

1. Fear. Am I really going on a fucking date with a total stranger? WTF.
2. Sadness. You get used to sitting across the table from the same person after 5 years. It's just sad.
3. Guilt. Would a guy be irritated that a girl would accept a date when she's only been broken up from her husband for about 7 weeks? Is that long enough? Is there such a thing? Does it really matter because it's just a date, i.e. conversation?
4. Excitement. It feels good to know I can get back on the saddle again. Sometimes it seemed like it just wouldn't happen. Everyone here is so young and beautiful. I feel old and tired.

I think this is probably the best scenario possible. He's older with a son, he'll understand baggage. I don't feel like I am ready to date steadily but I want to have a conversation with this guy. We'll have an adult and fun exchange. I'll be upfront about my situation and my concerns that it may have been weird or too soon, along with my intentions for the date. I want to get to know him outside of a noisy club.

This is a gift, it comes with a price

He FBed me and said hello. Holy fuck.

The looking glass, so shiny and new
How quickly the glamour fades
I start spinning, slipping out of time
Was that the wrong pill to take?

I'm going back through my blog and adding mp3 widgets for the songs I've been quoting.