Thirty.

I am officially thirty years old. This has been an emotional birthday in so many good ways. For most of my marriage, I felt badly on my birthday. I would tell myself on my birthday, "Next year, I want to be happy. I need to be out of this marriage." And that birthday would roll around and I would be so depressed that I never mustered up the courage to leave something that wasn't working. I had many reasons for staying and it was always complex. But deep down, I knew I should've never gotten married.

I declared my separation before my 29th and officially moved out about a week after my birthday. It was too soon and too raw to be actually happy on my 29th. I was taking the right steps, but I was an emotional mess. This year, I am clear. I am rebuilt. I am elated.

I get teary just thinking about it. I kept letting myself down, year after year. Doing myself the injustice of staying when I shouldn't have. I am so comforted in my friendships and in my little cozy home. I am taking care of myself and it has been such a very, happy, birthday.

This song is dedicated to myself.

Who knows your birthday
Who knows your number
Who knows your color
Who knows your hands
Who knows the sum
The sum of all your parts

Who knows your limit
Who knows your highest
Who knows your lowest
Who knows your end
Who knows that bottom
The bottom of your heart

Hold on, hold on
Keep holding on to me
I will love you from the bottom
No one holds you better than me
Hold on, hold on
Doing the best we can
I will love you on your birthday
I will love you better than them

Everything in it's right place

I abandoned this blog once I felt I had processed the majority of my grieving. This outlet was actually very helpful.

I still have important realizations about my marriage/divorce experience and I should get back to documenting them. This is good stuff.

So I had a small revelation last night. No matter how hard that process was, no matter how sad, depressed or desperate I felt... I never felt confused or unsure. I never sat in my tears asking myself if I had made the "right" choice. I am so grateful that I got myself to the place that allowed for me to move towards a life I really wanted. 

Everything, everything, everything..
In its right place
In its right place
Right place