Smells Like Self Pity

M has reached out to me with a few nostalgic emails/texts since D-Day. They were coming maybe every couple of weeks and slowly dwindled. At first, I was sad for his sadness. Then I started getting pissed off and irritated. Is that self-pity I smell? Oh HELL NO!

He would say things like, "I worry that no one will know me like you did." Text me a picture of a dinner I cooked him with, "I sure miss your cooking." THAT IS FUCKING SELF PITY.

Shouldn't you be reflecting on what you did to contribute to this mess and growing from it? Email me when you have any revelations that confirm I'm not a crazy person for having wanted an honest and communicative partner.

A while back, I gave a divorcing friend some advice about how to approach it. I believe it's best to leave out the finger-pointing details and complaints because if you want out, what good will it do? But now I worry that because I did that, he might have no fucking clue how much he sucked as a husband! Have I done him a disservice?

There were some good qualities. But there was a consistent presence of dishonesty, laziness, selfishness and manipulation. The pathetic part was, that I was aware of all of this and kept choosing the relationship. I just understood why he was the way he was - I saw the scared little boy inside.

August 1st, I finally had enough of the self-piteous messages. He sent me a photo from the day I moved out, I'm standing at the foot of the stuffed U-Haul. I remember being so pissed that he snapped that photo. In the moment I knew: You're going to look at this picture one day and feel bad for yourself. He can be so damn self-serving.

 He told me he was sending a message for our "anniversary" - the day I moved out. He lamented that we didn't develop the kind of friendship that we said we would. Then admitted that we both know that's because he hadn't moved on the way I had.

I could smell the self-pity as though it leaked from his fingertips and inked the email itself. 

I responded and let him know that I care about him and am happy to be there for him for successes and challenges that don't involve me. If it involves me, he should seek out other friends for support. I was kind but firm. He responded, "Ok."

 

A disappointment.
Oh, you shouldn't have done,
You couldn't have done,
You wouldn't have done the things you did then.

And we could've been happy.
What a piteous thing,
A hideous thing was tainted by the rest,
But it won't get any harder,
And I hope you'll find your way again.

And it won't get any higher,
And it all boils down to what you did.

Anecdote.

This was an unfinished post from shortly after my divorce. Posting it now for storage in the time machine.

My ex-husband and my ex-fiance both called me to tell me that they were sat at adjacent tables at my favorite sushi restaurant. To make it even more awkward, M was with a girl who is my doppleganger and later admitted that he asked her out because of this fact. FML.